New Schtick

I was sitting in our backyard and I noticed

“There is POOP in the pool”

Yes, “we got a FLOATER here!”

I swear, I plead the fifth


FYI : about this “I plead the fifth” about the SHIT

Now, if I had to testify about this:

“Mr. Ayers Brooks, can you tell me who was in the pool that afternoon?”



“Tell me!”


“Tell me, tell me!”

“No, times a thousand!”

The judge is like “We will hold you in contempt if you continue this, Mr. Brooks!”

“Well, there was one boy, one girl, and one FAT MOTHERFUCKER!

“Mr. Brooks, were you THAT FAT MOTHERFUCKER?!”


“Take your time, and tell me here…are you sure?”

“You calling me fat?”

And here comes MY lawyer…

“Objection, this line of questioning is insulting

“…ok, Mr. Brooks, Did you make that SHIT?!”


“Did you INDULGE in that SHIT?”


“Did you get HIGH, from THAT SHIT?!”


“So it was your shit, in the pool.”


“That will be all…”

“Alright, counselor, you are free to cross examine the witness…”

“Ok. Now, Joel, why do you suppose would ANYONE poop in the pool? Were you confused”

“Uh, I gotta go. Can I use the bathroom?!”

“I understand, Joel. Can you answer the question?”

“Well, there was one, girl, one boy, and NO CHICKS!”

“Mr. Brooks, what exactly do you mean by NO CHICKS?!”
“You know… the kind that get bigger when they are older, they got a lot of eggs, and they LOVE LAYIN… um…THAT’S why I had ta’ poop in the pool!”

“Nothing further.”

Yeah, right. Like I am gonna do THAT!
Is swear, i plead the fifth…

Later on they called a witness who was there with local authorities…

Here is how it went down.

“Ok Maam, can you tell me about the scene that afternoon?!”

“So I came out and there he was there, and I noticed the same shit.”

The lawyers like:

“Was it HIS SHIT?!”

“It HAD to be his shit! HE knew where it came from.”

I’m in a nearby chair yelling “IT WAS GOOD SHIT! AND YOU KNOW IT!”

The judge is all  “one more outburst like that and we will hold you in contempt, Mr. Brooks. Please continue…”

“At this point I remember my brother saying, GET HIM AND HIS POOP OUT OF THE POOL! So we got him out, and we turned him over. As dirty as he was, he had to be taken away!”

“Nothing further.”

But anyway.

I swear, I plead the fifth

Good shit.

Rule of thumb

Fuck, I need a drink


Somebody give me goddamn drink!overing Alcoholics say

It’s a joke, really

It’s what recovering Alcoholics say

One is too many, and give me a TAB

I lost my alcohol virginity when I was very young

I lost my virginity due to alcohol the year after

I was six years old

No really, I was eighteen

I had a decade to think about it

I was lonely

You know, I’m still living at home with my parents and I called one of those sex hotlines

You know 1-900 HOT SHIT

1-900 BAD GIRL

1-900 BIG DONG

There are INFINITE combinations, possibilities

You know what I mean? We plead the fifth.

Maybe you DON’T. Ok we PLEAD THE FIFTH

So, I’m there, a teenager on my parent’s phone bill

Trying to come up with combinations on the dial pad

Or whatever you call that

But anyway


I’m like, “NAH!” I hung up

1-900 BAD GIRL

Second one, I’m like “NAH!” I hung up!

1-900 BLO HARD

That is 1-900 B-L-O H-A-R-D

That’s right


So it connects and I’m listening

There is ELEVATOR music, and some hot girl who says she is in her panties on the recording, you know, the “greeting…”

And she says

“For a FUN TIME, stay on the LINE!”

You know, I’m like OK!

So THEN they say “50 billion dollars for the first minute and 500 dollars every minute after!”
So I hang up and three weeks later the phone bill comes and my Dad comes in my room


They charged us.


I’m like “I don’t know DAD, I was jerking off?”

He’s like “NO…REALLY?!” in that Dad condescending tone

You know the one that says “You don’t know what kind of SHIT you are in!”


Didn’t go well.

But anyway.

“Hey dudes and dudettes!”

“Finally got the nut up here!”

Eh! Eh! Eh!

Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes they hurt

Totally nuts, nuts gone wild, nuts…nuts…nuts.

“Nut ONE to NUT TWO…”

“What kind of NUT, do you think I am?!”

“Not a loaded one!”

I got a vasectomy, so if I get FUCKED there will be no loaded squirts.

(Swedish Chef voice):

Herr de boostin dehr nuts! Da  nuts, Da nuts, 030001bf - Copy